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procrastination - woot!

aha... yes. procrastination! and now it's lunch time. :)

T.T; Then, I have to finish Persuasion (Jane Austen) and "Murder in the Cathedral" (T.S. Elliot) and my Latin book and my 3" thick Official SAT Guide and the first four chapters of my APUSH text.

Not what, but how.

I know it's pretty awful for me to be so petty, because my family does it too. I hate when people use our driveway to make u-turns though. I don't mind the sidewalk at all, because our neighbors frequently invade that. Seeing other cars going up our driveway makes me antsy though. >>;

On another note, I feel much freer now. I have one less obligation, one less attachment. I was quite harsh, but I believe it was necessary. To an extent, I do regret what I've done, but I hate liars. It makes me feel like a hypocrite to lie to myself. Perhaps I've made a terrible terrible mistake. My heart feels it was the right thing to do though. I just couldn't keep up anymore. Did I give up? Retaining a facade? Yes. I do believe so. Something more - my ability to endure hardship? I don't know. I may have lost it.

This summer, I've learned that, in order to survive in my current atmosphere, I need to sacrifice a good part of that prized individuality. I feel empty and lifeless when I admit this to myself, but I can't keep on fighting any more. I need to step back and wait until I learn more. I can't be so brash anymore. All I've done is hurt other people and myself. My intentions may not necessarily have been bad, but I can no longer go about matters blindly. I frequently made a fool of myself and took pride in my beliefs and myself. There is nothing wrong with being different. I've learned that now. It's just, in order to maintain these differences, I need to learn to tolerate others, as outrageous as they may seem. I always believed that I had high tolerance and patience, but the truth is, I don't. I may be accustomed to some more strange things and therefore seem more tolerant. However, I proved myself wrong when I continuously questioned D's actions. While they may not have been right, I still should have let them be. To go about things loudly and rashly accomplishes nothing.

I must become wiser, and I will.

Jun. 27th, 2007

I'm probably being overdramatic, but I feel like my whole life's a huge cliche. I can't seem to escape from all this.. repetition. I hate all this consistency in my life, and yet, I really really feel like I can't survive without it. I feel like I'm being forced to pull myself out of this stupid little shell of naiveté and finally grow up.

It sucks horribly.

first post (not really)

my first post... and yet.. not. :D


A N G E L - japanese dolls

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August 2007


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